Lol.

This man is obviously disgruntled... exactly about what, I'm not positive, but it amused me anyway.

"ITS STILL UNCLEAR IF B.O., WHO STIMKS, IS ELIGIBLE TO BE PRESIDENT DUE TO HIS DOCTORED BIRTH CERTIFICATE.....I FIND IT FACINATING THAT THE LEFT WING NUT JOBS WILL TRY TO FIND ANYTHING TO KEEP THE SO CALLED DETRACTORS OF THE BLACK MESSIAH FROM ANY POWER BUT THEY WILL LIE, CHEAT, FIX OR DO ANYTHING ILLEGAL TO TRY AMKE THIS BLACK RADICAL PIECE OF CRAP THE PRESDIENT WHEN HIS PLACE OF BIRTH IS CLEARLY IN QUESTION AND HAS BEEN.....THE FACT IS THIS. THIS CLOWN IS A JOKE. HE IS A FOREIGNER AND ITS ABOUT TIME THAT THE TRUTH EMERGE SO WE CAN ALL SEE WHAT A HOLLOW PIECE OF CRAP THIS B.O. CLOWN IS."

I love you, but I don't even know why

May you dream you are dreaming, in a warm soft bed
And may the voices inside you that fill you with dread
Make the sound of thousands of angels instead
Tonight where you might be laying your head

Darling, I wish you well
On your way to the wishing well
Swinging off of those gates of hell
But I can tell how hard you're trying
Still have this secret hope
Sometimes all I do is cope
Somewhere on the steepest slope
There's an endless rope
And nobody's crying
Nobody's crying
Nobody's crying

spinning laughing dancing

Its not the pale moon that excites me
That thrills and delights me, oh no
Its just the nearness of you

I had bad dreams last night and I woke up anxious.

I have to check in with the athletic trainer again tomorrow. I ran badly this morning and I think it's safe to assume that the reason has something to do with the deadening stump of calf muscle protruding from my right knee.

Speaking of cross country
When I do something, I do it well. I do it how it's supposed to be done. If you're going to cut cones on the field during mile repeats, don't run. You're on varsity. Cutting corners to avoid schlepping on a workout isn't going to help anyone.

Not that anyone reads this, but it feels weird not to have updated for a month.

I am going to Africa with Adventures, and I am going to Homecoming with Brandon.

That's all.

I'm going to assume no one reads this.

My grandma and grandpa were made for each other, by some twist of fate, and enjoyed over 50 years of happy marriage. She cooked, cleaned, and loved on the grandkids, he brought home a steady and rather large paycheck to give her the house (and life) that everyone dreams of. What they lacked in passion, they made up for in gentleness and hand-holding and secret laughter that only they knew the meaning of. They truly were a dream couple. And when she died, my grandpa died too, in the most complete way possible. His body still roams the Earth, but the flesh is lonely without a soul to keep it company.

Maynard Sikes's fullness depended singularly on my grandma being there to love him. And so she has done since before their high school graduation. She is his life, even in her death. So, then, what I fail to understand is how his heart has room for anyone else.

I love Mary Bookhardt. But she will never be my family.

Wesleyanism

If you don't mind, I'd like to ruffle some feathers.

There is a fundamental problem with Methodism, along with most other Protestant denominations: their doctrine is not Jesus' doctrine.

And that is not an attack at the basic theology of the protestant movement, though I could say a few things about that too. But how can you call yourselves a biblical body of Christ when you are following the beliefs and research of John Wesley or John Calvin or Martin Luther?

This is what I love about my church: the doctrine is the Bible. It isn't John Wesley. Members of the Church of Christ don't believe in prevenient grace as salvation because it is not biblical. We don't believe in infant baptism because it is not biblical. We don't believe in salvation through a "sinner's prayer" because it is not biblical. When I asked Pastor LeAnn a few months back why only pastors could bless communion, she gave me John Wesley's answer, not Jesus Christ's. This is why I left St. Luke's; because it doesn't even seem that the leaders, who have been through seminary, are able to give me scripture when I ask for it.

I disliked the sermon this morning for the same reason I dislike most of what the protestant movement has to say: it appealed to the emotional, and not to the truthful. It made people feel good, it gave the message that God's grace is there whether you choose to respond to it or not, and that is not biblical. God's grace is a gift. Yes. But it is a gift that you can choose to accept or reject, and that is why infant baptism is wrong. God's grace is not going to be sufficient when you get to Judgment Day after living your life without repentence. God is not going to show you mercy when he plays every single one of your sins back to you in front of your eyes and then sends you to hell because you thought your baby baptism would suffice and the rest of your life didn't reflect what baptism is supposed to mean. God is not okay with people living for 80 years without ever cracking open the Bible. He hates divorce and hates sexual sin, which, yes, includes homosexuality. He calls us to examine our hearts before we take communion, so it makes no sense to allow elementary schoolers to take it (unless they are extremely spiritually mature). And what's more, communion isn't just a prayer time, it's a time to picture the cross and the sacrifice and the blood and the nails and the crown of thorns and remember the amazing grace and amazing sacrifice that was made so that we could choose a life in Jesus.

These are the things that St. Luke's won't tell you.

And it pisses me off.

A million ancient bees, began to sting our knees.

I went shopping with Dani today and we talked briefly about grandpa. Or, more specifically, grandpa's rebound girl. Dani's side of the family went out to lunch with her and grandpa the other week and Dani didn't say a single word to her. It was a happy moment when she told me that.

Mary Bookhardt is not my grandmother.
I love her to pieces,
However,
She does not have a place in our family.

I'm being hateful. I don't care.

I want my old grandma back. I have absolutely no use for a new one.

Shane and Shane absolutely kills me.

Why since you’ve wounded my heart
Don’t You heal it?
Why don’t You heal?
And why since you’ve stolen my heart,
Do you leave it so?
Oh this heart of stone

Why don’t you carry away my heart
You have stolen and left here broken
Why don’t you carry away my heart
Already taken

Awaken the dawning of a new heart
Where stone begins to bleed
For the arrow of God that runs through me
Leaves me in need
Here in need

Awaken

How long? How long? How long?

For sure.

Stale

Cross country is not fun anymore.

I am improving without feeling good about it. I train every day with coaches who aren't encouraging. I think about racing and don't get butterflies. I am on a team without truly being a part of it. The majority of the reason I run is to outdo John Wilson's running career.

I do not want to run anymore.

People don't learn.

I don't get mad. Really and truly, in all the 17 years I've been on this Earth, I can count on one hand the times I've been angry.

1. 2007 - Ben called me during my mission trip to tell me that I was not saved
2. 2006 - Mike decided we were not friends anymore and gave no explanation
3. 2004 - Giovanni called me a lesbian
4. 2008 - My grandma died because the doctors did not do their job in December
5. I can't even think of a 5.

Irritated? Yes. Frustrated? Yes. Angry? Rarely.
I have no reason to be angry with someone for trying to improve an aspect of my character that I might not have noticed was flawed. Don't worry.

"Your hand would taste better than this food."

In the interest of saving myself a few explanations of how Teen Camp was, just read it here.

I was able to help 3 girls with family situations similar to mine, and I ended up making a much bigger difference than I had thought in the moment. I read Ephesians every day, twice a day. I lost 6 pounds. I played Spades for 4 hours and will never ever play it again. I got spooked by a thunderstorm for the first time in my entire life. I was in a talent show skit about a magical cone who recited the lyrics to "My Favorite Things." I lost my voice. I found a boy who thinks I am funny and spent the majority of Thursday and Friday laughing with him about nothing. I got hit in the throat with a dodgeball and the ear with a frisbee. I ate pizza at one in the morning. I swing danced with Scott. I played with dogs that did not belong to me. All 19 pairs of hands went up when Tony asked who wanted to share something about me at the end of the week.

In all honesty, I made one new friendship this week that I expect to last beyond the beginning of the school year. And it isn't even a "new friendship," it's someone I had been acquainted with since December and just never spent more than 5 minutes at a time with. But as disappointing as it was to not make 50 new friends this week, spending time with Brandon was good enough. He protected me from dodgeballs and lightning and being lonely. I'm so glad he's still going to be in Orlando for college.

I enjoyed one sermon this week, and it was Bronson's sermon on death. Sorry to be morbid.

Teen Camp was nothing compared to Leesburg, and I'm not going to apologize for saying so.

10,000 Spoons

I leave for Teen Camp tomorrow night.

I'm not entirely sure if I'm the one who made this decision or if it was the work of the people around me, but I think I'm happy about it. Maybe.

Rest for the weary!

I go to Longboat Key tomorrow.
For a week.
So that maybe I won't need another emotional unloading day like today for a while.
I get my ears pierced when I get back.

Right ear:


Left ear:

From AOL - America needs help.

America remains a nation of believers, but a new survey finds most Americans don't feel their religion is the only way to eternal life — even if their faith tradition teaches otherwise.

The findings, revealed Monday in a survey of 35,000 adults, can either be taken as a positive sign of growing religious tolerance, or disturbing evidence that Americans dismiss or don't know fundamental teachings of their own faiths.

Among the more startling numbers in the survey, conducted last year by the Pew Forum on Religion and Public Life: 57 percent of evangelical church attenders said they believe many religions can lead to eternal life, in conflict with traditional evangelical teaching.

In all, 70 percent of Americans with a religious affiliation shared that view, and 68 percent said there is more than one true way to interpret the teachings of their own religion.

"The survey shows religion in America is, indeed, 3,000 miles wide and only three inches deep," said D. Michael Lindsay, a Rice University sociologist of religion.

"There's a growing pluralistic impulse toward tolerance and that is having theological consequences," he said.

Earlier data from the Pew Forum's U.S. Religious Landscape Survey, released in February, highlighted how often Americans switch religious affiliation. The newly released material looks at religious belief and practice as well as the impact of religion on society, including how faith shapes political views.

The report argues that while relatively few people — 14 percent — cite religious beliefs as the main influence on their political thinking, religion still plays a powerful indirect role.

The study confirmed some well-known political dynamics, including stark divisions over abortion and gay marriage, with the more religiously committed taking conservative views on the issues.

But it also showed support across religious lines for greater governmental aid for the poor, even if it means more debt and stricter environmental laws and regulations.

By many measures, Americans are strongly religious: 92 percent believe in God, 74 percent believe in life after death and 63 percent say their respective scriptures are the word of God.

But deeper investigation found that more than one in four Roman Catholics, mainline Protestants and Orthodox Christians expressed some doubts about God's existence, as did six in ten Jews.

Another finding almost defies explanation: 21 percent of self-identified atheists said they believe in God or a universal spirit, with 8 percent "absolutely certain" of it.

"Look, this shows the limits of a survey approach to religion," said Peter Berger, a theology and sociology professor at Boston University. "What do people really mean when they say that many religions lead to eternal life? It might mean they don't believe their particular truth at all. Others might be saying, 'We believe a truth but respect other people, and they are not necessarily going to hell.'"

Luis Lugo, director of the Pew Forum, said that more research is planned to answer those kinds of questions, but that earlier, smaller surveys found similar results.

Nearly across the board, the majority of religious Americans believe many religions can lead to eternal life: mainline Protestants (83 percent), members of historic black Protestant churches (59 percent), Roman Catholics (79 percent), Jews (82 percent) and Muslims (56 percent).

By similar margins, people in those faith groups believe in multiple interpretations of their own traditions' teachings. Yet 44 percent of the religiously affiliated also said their religion should preserve its traditional beliefs and practices.

"What most people are saying is, 'Hey, we don't have a hammer-lock on God or salvation, and God's bigger than us and we should respect that and respect other people,'" said the Rev. Tom Reese, a senior fellow at the Woodstock Theological Center at Georgetown University.

"Some people are like butterflies that go from flower to flower, going from religion to religion — and frankly they don't get that deep into any of them," he said.

Beliefs about eternal life vary greatly, even within a religious tradition.

Some Christians hold strongly to Jesus' words as described in John 14:6: "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." Others emphasize the wideness of God's grace.

The Catholic church teaches that the "one church of Christ ... subsists in the Catholic Church" alone and that Protestant churches, while defective, can be "instruments of salvation."

Roger Oldham, a vice president with the executive committee of the Southern Baptist Convention, bristled at using the word "tolerance" in the analysis.

"If by tolerance we mean we're willing to engage or embrace a multitude of ways to salvation, that's no longer evangelical belief," he said. "The word 'evangelical' has been stretched so broadly, it's almost an elastic term."

Others welcomed the findings.

"It shows increased religious security. People are comfortable with other traditions even if they're different," said the Rev. C. Welton Gaddy, president of the Interfaith Alliance. "It indicates a level of humility about religion that would be of great benefit to everyone."

More than most groups, Catholics break with their church, and not just on issues like abortion and homosexuality. Only six in 10 Catholics described God as "a person with whom people can have a relationship" — which the church teaches — while three in 10 described God as an "impersonal force."

"The statistics show, more than anything else, that many who describe themselves as Catholics do not know or understand the teachings of their church," said Denver Roman Catholic Archbishop Charles Chaput. "Being Catholic means believing what the Catholic church teaches. It is a communion of faith, not simply of ancestry and family tradition. It also means that the church ought to work harder at evangelizing its own members."

I hate strides.

"There's something about waking up early to run while most people are asleep that makes you feel completely superior to the rest of the world."
-Malee Bringardner

I ran 4 miles tempo this morning at a 7:15 pace. I'm beginning to regain hope in myself. It makes my 5k around 22:15, which is not good, but I could be doing a lot worse. 22:15 was my average for last season that it took me 3 months to get out of. So I guess to be back at that time after 6 months of not running is not something I can complain about. I'll be under 21 when the season starts.

Wow.

Ben's parents offered me 390 dollars today so that I could go to Teen Camp in July.

It was overwhelming.
I didn't know what to say.
I cried.

And I can't go because of a Jamaica meeting.
But still.
390 dollars.

He didn't ask for anything back, he just said that their family is blessed with wealth so that they can do things like that for people in tight spots.

This is how the conversation went, just so you really understand.

Cindy Morris: So Sarah, I hear you aren't going to Teen Camp...
Me: Nope, I just paid 500 dollars for a mission trip so I'm a little strapped for money.
Tom: What? Why didn't you ask Pam and I for the money?!

And that is when I laughed. He did not laugh back. He was waiting for an answer.

Do you know what generosity is?

Because I don't think I did before today.

Strange how hard it rains now

My senior pictures are supposed to go on her wall, but the picture wall is gone because the house is being sold because she is dead and grandpa doesn't want 5000 square feet of echoing footsteps.

I want someone to pull my hair out of my face when I cry about it. The last time someone did that was Jeremy at the last Telos that Abby was at.

I haven't gotten a chance yet to be not okay.
I just want to be sad and no one will let me feel things.
So I'm crying in front of a computer screen while everyone else is asleep to try and get the sad out.

This is a hideously unsubtle plea for comfort, if anyone would like to oblige.

Joshua 24:15

I don't know if I'm more sad or disgusted.

I have a friend. This is his about me on myspace.
"Shall we begin? My name is _____ but everyone that is close to me calls me _____ and there is a reason for that but you will have to get to know me to understand why they call me _____ =) I’m 19 years old but I act like a little kid at times hehe! I'm a Christian. I always put people head of me and that will never change. My goal in life is to become more like Jesus each day. I enjoy writing, reading, watching the sky, dancing in the rain, surfing, and swimming!!! I'm an all out swimmer if you can't tell! Always remember you are never alone even though it seems like it at times but we do have a God who watch overs us and will be here for us if we ask. AIM=__________ For love is strong as death passion fierce as the grave; its flashes are flashes of fire, a raging flame. Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods drown it."

He's a nice kid. He loves Jesus.

He posted a bulletin a few minutes ago entitled "Sex or Pass."
Here's what it was.

"There is at least one person on your myspace list that wants to fuck the hell out of you.


So lets play the Sex or Pass game?

The rules are simple... if you want to fuck the person who posts this, send them a message saying 'yep, I'd screw you'

SCARED? lol this is funny
YOU HAVE TO RE-POST THIS!! and see who replies.


There is at least one person on your myspace list that wants to do u so!!!
repost this as 'Sex or Pass'
Don't be a wimp and not re-post it"

I don't understand.
Honestly, I don't.
And it makes me sad to be bunched under the same "Christian" label as people who do things like this.
And it makes me even sadder to know that things that disgusting are hidden in my own heart.

We really are a sad bunch, aren't we? Even those of us who "live into our faith" will never be able to stand up to the world and all of its pitfalls. And that's why grace has become such a blessing to all who have chosen to accept it: we wouldn't have a chance at redeeming ourselves were it not for grace. I guarantee that if I were to live to be 100 years old, each attempt at living a sinless day would be a miserably failed endeavor.

But I want to challenge you to try anyway.

Jesus did not call us to be sinless. But He did call us to try.

Joshua 24:15
"But if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your forefathers served beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord."

Let's try this again.

In an attempt to wean myself away from facebook and myspace, I'm going to try to move my blogging venue elsewhere. Like, here.

The college search continues. Northwestern and UConn sent me things today, along with Rollins and Warner Southern. I'm still planning on community college in Chicago, so we'll see where we go from there. AmeriCorps has openings in the housing/community development departments in downtown, so that works out nicely.

It's strange how much changes in a half year. If you had asked me in December what I was planning on doing for college, I would have told you either Valencia or Jacksonville in order to be close to my family and friends. MAYBE Atlanta. And now I can't seem to find a college far enough away to accommodate my desire for space between myself and the people currently in my life. Not that I don't love my friends and family dearly, and no offense to any of you... I just need a clean slate and some new faces. Chicago has Dana and the Eastman family, so I won't be completely alone. Connecticut would be too overwhelming. Suffield is a city made up primarily of members of the Sikes family whom I have never met before. It's a little intimidating. I don't think I want to jump into any more Sikes culture just right now.

In other news...



John left for Louisiana this morning. I'm going to be in Jamaica or Michigan when he comes back, and by the time I'm home, he's going to be in Gainesville. It was a sad goodbye after church yesterday morning, and there were several interruptions that kind of ruined it. But hey, it happens. And I wrote him an Until-Later-Letter anyway, so at least church wasn't my only opportunity for the solid goodbye I wanted to give him.

Speaking of Jamaica. Less than 2 months. :)

Anywho. I suppose that's a good start. We'll see how long I can keep this going.

Love.
Sarah